If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why am I so angry as a mum?”—you’re not alone.
Anger is one of the six core human emotions, and for mothers, it can carry an especially heavy load—one shaped by childhood conditioning, social expectations, lack of support, and invisible labor.
This post is an invitation to unpack what anger really is, why it often feels so big in motherhood, and how we can begin to express it in healthy, empowering ways.
The feeling or emotion of anger is neutral, right, an emotion like any other. It doesn’t have moral meaning attached to it.
If it does for you, you may like to start here with your exploration of what you are making anger mean. If you grew up in a family where you had to be the ‘good girl’ and please others, push your needs and feelings aside and just be happy you might have attached some moral meaning to anger. That is not wrong. But it’s worth noticing.
Throughout this post I’ll provide a question for you to contemplate at each step along the way. So if you do not currently see anger as a neutral emotion, ask yourself what did anger look like in your family growing up?
Anger is one of the six ‘basic emotions’. Anger is felt by everyone at one point or another and it’s completely valid as it’s own emotion.
Anger as a primary emotion alerts us of wrong doing, injustice or danger.
There are times when other emotions are behind the anger and we use anger to protect the raw feelings the lie beneath it. As a secondary emotion, anger can provide a sense of power, protection, control, safety.
It can also feel like a more empowering or safe emotion to express than the emotions bubbling away beneath anger like grief, sadness, loneliness and a variety of unmet needs.
If you’re unsure why you’re feeling anger think of anger like an iceberg.
Anger as an iceberg is the idea that what we see above the water is the outward expression of anger but below the surface is a whole range of experiences and feelings hidden from view.
If you need a moment here try writing down everything that is sitting below the surface – what is in your iceberg.
There is a difference between the felt experience of anger as an emotion, and the expression of anger. Rage is a more violent or out of control expression of anger – often directed outwardly. It can have negative impact on those around us.
Rage is awful and scary. If you are experiencing this right now, I see you, I have been there and you are not alone.
Dan Seigel’s Flip Your Lid hand model gives a beautiful, easy to understand model of what is happening to your brain in these moments.
Something to start to notice: what it feels like before you flip to rage – in your body. Does it feel like your heart starts to race, do you get hot, do your ears rings, do you want to run?
And in the moment try this simple strategy to get your brain back online: close your eyes and notice three sensations within your body, name them e.g. your hands feels clammy, your stomach is rumbling. Open your eyes and find three things that you see, name them e.g. my phone, the couch, water bottle. Repeat.
Audre Lorde – Anger is “loaded with information and energy”
How anger is expressed can be healthy and important processing; or can be unhealthy and create dangerous environments for others. Please know that my intention in normalising the spectrum of emotions mothers feel does not equate with condoning aggression towards or neglect of children.
It is important that we find ways to express our anger in healthy ways. The stifling and quelling causes it to stifle and sometimes intensity – we want to MOVE it with purpose. Many of us don’t know what this looks like for a myriad of reasons but it is our responsibility now, as adults, to learn.
This is not an exhaustive list but try out these ideas and see what feels good for you. Screaming into a pillow. Twisting a tea towel really hard. Punching the couch, a pillow or a boxing bag. Running, throwing sticks, ripping paper.
Write out 5 ways that you’re children benefit from you FEELING your anger, and your healthy EXPRESSION of anger.
Why are we so f-ing angry as mothers?
Ooooff this is big one. Dr Sophie Brock shared these reasons below, how many do you resonate with?
- “Because we resent being expected to do it all
- Because we are set up to feel angry (social rules around a mother’s anger and guilt)
- Why WOULDN’T we feel angry when it ALL falls on our shoulders
- Anger is a response to injustice and the burden that Mothers carry with such little support is not just or fair
- We are told we’re meant to have a village, but it’s disappeared
- Many of us are intensively looking after our children with barely any support
- Waking up through the night by ourselves
- Parenting our kids with them PHYSICALLY climbing on us and being in our ‘space’
- If you’re a person sensitive to sensory input – contending with constant noise
- Feeling a sense of isolation from friends – particularly in the context of the pandemic
- Where we feel constantly judged, watched, and like we can’t do anything ‘right’?
- When we feel the pressures of motherhood PLUS pressures of paid work OR pressures of NOT being in paid work
- We are meant to ask for help but then when we do we feel guilty for it
- Add onto this contextual factors – birth trauma and obstetric violence mean 1 in 10 mothers emerge from childbirth with PTSD
- Mothers are carrying majority of the domestic and childcare responsibilities at home
- Mothers are discriminated against at work when it comes to wages, hiring, promotion and evaluation”
Our anger has been suppressed, silenced and omitted for a long time. There are so many ‘shoulds’ placed on women and girls around anger. How many of you have said your not angry your just sad? I know I have. This is part of our social conditioning. If you’re curious about the societal, cultural layers of why we are angry the best place to start is Dr Sophie Brock’s Fish Tank Model. There is a free video on her website, here’s the link.
A couple of questions to ask yourself: How did you express anger as a child? How was this responded to? What do you feel most anger about in your life? What do you feel most anger about as a Mother?
There is always nuance in the human experience. Anger can be normal and it can be a red flag for maternal mood disorders. You know you. Trust yourself. Seek support when you need.
If this blog has stirred something in you, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to hold it all by yourself.
Research shows that peer support and reflective mentoring can reduce distress and help mothers feel more connected and understood.
My online motherhood mentoring offers space for you to be heard, supported, and gently guided back to yourself – rage, grief, identity shifts and all.
Head over to my offerings page to learn about my online services.
